This is my first blog post on the website! Building this out was its own project but I'm really fond of it. At somepoint I really want to dig into making this website have more and more unique details but with the way I was moving... I was kind of stalling my own progress in sharing my art here lol.
Leaning into the 'design woes' subject matter - I'm sensing a pattern in how I approach these things. Agonizing over every small detail of a design until it makes sense...in graphic design, web design, character design, everything.
There's this throbbing anxiety that lingers in me about how well-done and pretty something is. I didn't always have this, it's something that developed around the same time I stopped pursuing development on Eden's Moon in highschool. It's not even that I'm scared of people's perception of me, I really love my creative process when I get down to it- but I understand in a lot of ways with the way the internet is now, people see every post you make as a reflection of you - your "branding".
People will say in one breath that they love to see you talk and all your progress but then others will also quietly comment on how rambling, fluff, and WIP sketches that "aren't a reflection of your skills" on your social media is a career death sentence.
There's another angle of this too, where if you start talking about the things you create/want to create - there's this immediate expectation and wait for the end result. People want to see you reach the finish line even if - to yourself - you're only just experimenting and rediscovering the breadth of your ideas. It's not negative, just overwhelming. Sometimes just that is enough to stop me in my tracks in fears I won't make something as good as people are wanting. This has pretty much never been the case, people tend to like what I do, so I don't know what it is, but I so know I don't want to be at the whims of people's expectations be it bad or good.
That's why I made this website though, I want to feel a little more free in my messiness. That's why I'm trying to be content the website is still slightly in this unfinished state, it's why I'm going to excited post pages of this messy comic I made for a project in highschool, it's why in general I'm just not going to think too hard.
If you stumble upon me, follow, stick around, or even just give the site a glance over, it'll over joy me. I know I basically complained about being watched too carefully above, but I do love the eyes. There seems to be an inherent understanding on neocities that everyone here is just letting themselves exist raw, loud, and fun. This is just...not the case in other places. I want to ramble, have things be broken and shitty and undone - I want to share my incomplete thoughts and maybe have someone meet me halfway, I want to do all that and it not risk shaking whatever foundations I'm supposedly to have built at this point.
If you read this whole first post through, I would be honored if you stuck with me in this particularly messy but newly confident development cycle.